How do you react when you feel that you were treated wrongly? Do you just forget about it or do you remember it from time to time, maybe even years later? What I have found is that a lot of people have a tendency to do some kind of mental accounting and keep track of what some people do for them as well as what they do in return. 

Not only is this an unhealthy view on human relationships, it is also fundamentally misleading. Sure, some people will ruthlessly take advantage of you if you let them, but you should see this coming far in advance. What I am more concerned with is the typical “tit for tat” strategy you encounter in business environments. So, you ask your colleague Frank from accounting to get you some data. He does so, but instead of being grateful for his assistance as it saved you a lot of work, you may feel annoyed because he hadn’t done it more quickly. Of course, this is just a precaution to make sure that the balance you keep in your mind doesn’t swing too much in his favor. 

Further, there’s the issue that people not only downplay the help they get from others, but simply forget about it. There is even evidence from a more recent branch of science called behavioral economics. I won’t bother you with citing research papers as they merely confirm what common sense should tell you anyway. As one or the other Captain Obvious, PhD, found out, we are more than twice as likely to remember negative impressions than positive ones. 

Let’s do some back of the envelope calculations to drive this point home. Say, Frank from accounting helps you out with minor tasks twice a week. Yet, on Friday, when you bumped into each other in the foyer after your lunch break, you had the impression that he was being genuinely unfriendly. You didn’t consider the possibility that it probably was because he tends to agree to everything his colleagues ask him to, and is constantly overworked.


Nonetheless, on your ride home you reflect over the past week, and may even think that Frank has been acting a bit rude lately, and wonder what’s wrong with him. Maybe you get so upset about it that you forget about all the things he does for you, which you may already feel entitled to. 

But knowing about your mind’s tendency to focus on the negative instead of the positive, we can remind ourselves that probably not all was bad about something. Your last trip to your parents was probably more enjoyable than you remember it, and the last movie you watched was probably better than those two lame jokes that made you shake your head make you believe in hindsight. 

Not all people are affected by this condition, but I do have the impression that it is a common phenomenon. So, if you recognize yourself in the description above, try to change. It’s better for your and everyone you deal with. Your life will suddenly be much more enjoyable, too, as you may become grateful for the little things.